I never wrote down my thoughts and emotions of that weekend so many years ago when You intentionally and, yes, painfully, yet lovingly and mercifully transformed my life the day You showed me "who You really are." I was home alone that weekend and not well. My spiritual and emotional server had crashed. All the religious systems I believed in, all the walls I'd built so I could "be holy because You are holy," and all defensive barriers hiding my insecurities, failures, and spiritual wretchedness had crumbled. My spiritual sanity was hanging by a thread, so in one last ditch effort, I decided to spend three days praying and reading my Bible, desperately hoping Your holy salve could somehow heal my battered, bruised heart. Lord, I don't feel up to rehashing the dark details of that day, but because it's such an essential part of my journey, I will talk about my ending up on the floor curled into a fetal position weeping bitterly.I lay there sobbing for a good bit, barely able to speak. Then broken and defeated, I chokingly whispered, "I can't do this anymore! I can't obey perfectly! I'm exhausted, Lord, burnt out from trying and failing. And the weight of my guilt is unbearable. My Lord God, you know that I believe in You, but Your demands are impossible. Where is the 'peace of mind and heart' You promised? Where is the assurance, hope, and joy? Why would You punish me for not doing what's been proven I can't do? This can't be who You are because if it is, I'm done, Father. Please, my Lord and my God, show me who You are, or kill me".