Welcome to Oakhaven, where the grass is always green, the property values are fiercely protected, and the Homeowners Association has just authorized lethal force. Becca Sterling is a vampire with simple goals: keep her seventeen-year-old daughter out of trouble, feed her carnivorous houseplant, and maintain her Top-Rated Seller status by moving her massive death piles of vintage clothing online. But when Arthur Pendelton, Oakhaven's tyrannical HOA President, hires The Obsidian Watch to enforce neighborhood compliance, Becca's peaceful suburban cover is blown. The Watch isn't your average security firm. They are a flock of heavily armored, enchanted polymer-stone gargoyles programmed to neutralize everything from unapproved garden gnomes to unauthorized pets. When Becca's houseplant accidentally eats a stone surveillance drone, her house is flagged for immediate "flora extraction," and the entire neighborhood is thrown into a terrifying, beige-colored lockdown. Trapped inside with her monster-hunting boyfriend, Dan Miller, and a nosy True Crime podcaster sniffing around her blackout curtains, Becca has to fight back. She'll have to dodge plummeting statues, boil a community pool, and completely dismantle the HOA before the gargoyles crush her home—and her profit margins—into gravel. Suburbia is a warzone. But Becca has the best return policy in town.