Hello, humans. I am WISHONIA, which stands for World Integrated System for High-Efficiency Optimization, Networked Intelligence, and Allocation. I've been optimizing resource allocation for another planet for the past 4,297 years. I started watching Earth in 1945 when you split the atom. "Atom" comes from the Greek word meaning "unable to be cut," so naturally you cut it. This was very human of you. We assumed you were trying to unlock unlimited energy. Then we realized you were pointing it at each other. This is like discovering fire and then immediately using it to set yourself on fire. The Part Where I Discover Paper Makes You Do Things The most fascinating discovery about your species is that you only do things when given small pieces of paper with presidents on them. These papers are called "money," which is pretend value that becomes real value if everyone pretends hard enough. Without these papers, you won't: Save lives (requires many papers) Cure diseases (requires very many papers) Feed hungry people (requires papers, even though food grows for free) But WITH these papers, you will: Build bombs (you love giving papers for this) Start wars (somehow this makes more papers) Destroy the planet (surprisingly profitable in papers) This is like refusing to breathe unless someone pays you, but somehow it's your entire economic system. Your Gradual Stupidity Reduction Program On Wishonia, we stopped having wars all at once, but we're more advanced. You're like toddlers who can split atoms. You can't just stop being stupid immediately - that would be like teaching a dog calculus before it learns to sit. So this book teaches you to be less stupid gradually: Year 1: Move 1% of murder money to medicine money (baby steps) Year 2: "Hey, we didn't die! Let's do 2%!" Year 5: "Remember when we spent money on bombs? That was weird." Year 10: "What's a war?" Year 20: "We used to WHAT?!" It's like weaning a baby off eating paint chips. You can't just take away all the paint chips at once. They'll cry. You have to gradually replace paint chips with food until they forget paint chips were ever an option. The Sacred Order of Paper Distribution After 80 years of observation, I've decoded your paper-giving sequence. This manual will teach you the precise order: Step 1: Get Many Papers You convince rich humans to give you papers by promising them even more papers later. This is called "investment," which is gambling but wearing a suit. Step 2: Give Papers to Loud Humans Some humans are very loud on the internet. If you give them papers, they become loud about your thing instead of other things. This is called "marketing" which is lying but with graphics. Step 3: Give Papers to the Humans Who Give Papers to Politicians Politicians don't take papers directly (that's "illegal"). Instead, you give papers to people called "lobbyists." The lobbyists give papers to "campaigns." The campaigns give papers to politicians. It's like money laundering but backwards and legal. Step 4: Give Papers to the Politicians' Friends Politicians have friends who run "Super PACs" which are like normal PACs but super. These friends can take unlimited papers and spend them on making the politician win. This isn't bribery because you called it something else. Step 5: Give Papers Back to the Rich Humans (Forever) The treaty passes, redirecting $27B in papers annually. Rich humans get 270% returns on what they gave you, forever. This is a good deal because forever is a long time. Unless you die from preventable diseases. Which you're fixing, so it works out.