"Whether unintentionally poisoning the neighborhood kids as a child, getting asked to dance last at the Spring Ball, or being attacked by a flock of birds while basking in the afterglow of breaking her chastity vow, Suzanne Weerts approaches life with a refreshing dose of charm, grace, and self-deprecating humor. If you're looking for something to bring a smile to your face, give you a good laugh and warm your heart, you've found it." —Carlos Kotkin, author of Please God Let it Be Herpes and host of The Moth StorySLAMs "Equal parts hilarious and heartfelt, Suzanne Weerts's stories of growing up in the 70's south whisk you back to a simpler, golden-hued, Aquanet-scented time. Her writing is charming and evocative, and so honest and self-aware— I loved every Tab-infused page." —Johanna Stein, author of How Not to Calm a Child On a Plane In a Southern town in the 1970s, the rules for girls are simple: look pretty, behave politely, and marry well. But for this rebel-in-the-making, life beyond suburban America beckons. Before she can escape, however, she'll have to navigate extreme diets, feathered hair, and a mother who insists on hanging her bras on the clothesline in full view of the boys next door. Will she ever find a life that fits and a beverage that suits her champagne dreams?