This is the story of a theological conflict concerning the concepts of “grace” versus “grease.” The “cult of Frank,” a religious movement advocating the salvific potential of viscosity, frying, and culinary lubrication is gaining many converts. The story opens with a sermon by Father Anselm Loosespring, a Frankite advocate, who promotes “holy grease” as essential for faith, spirituality, and combating Frank’s opponent, the Adversarial Tobacconist, Runciman. The major opponent of the message and practices of Frank is the Vatican. Pope Blatantly III attempts to suppress the Frankite heresy through bureaucratic measures, counter-propaganda, and eventually claims papal ownership of all metaphysical grease under Canon Law 888B. His campaign is bolstered by a suggestion by scholar Monsignor Monsignorson that grace and grease share a common lexical root. The Pope also engages an assassin, Annibale Urkleson, to eliminate Frank and his apostle Glen. This diabolic plan fails when Urkleson is converted from his fell purpose by Cheryl, one of Frank’s disciples. The Vatican’s regulatory efforts eventually fail when a “Great Grease Schism” culminates in Rome being flooded by “holy viscosity.”